A Seekerâs Guide to Wilderness Enlightenment
The Ten Commandments of Outdoor Etiquette
And lo, the wanderer entered the wilderness with sunscreen, snacks and several opinions about camping. The mountain remained unimpressed.
And the Seeker Went Forth Into the Wilderness
In the beginning, there was the trail. And the trail was steep, and poorly marked, and somebody had assured the group that the summit was âprobably only another twenty minutes.â
Then came the Seeker, bearing boots not yet broken in, a weather app of questionable honesty and enough snacks to survive either one afternoon or a minor siege.
And the wilderness looked upon the Seeker and said nothing, for the wilderness does not explain itself to people wearing brand-new technical pants.
Hearken, wanderer.
Whether thou art a first-time hiker, seasoned camper or self-declared forest philosopher, the outdoors hath something sacred to offer.
There are rivers that speak in tongues, mountains older than every opinion thou hast ever posted and forests that existed long before humans began describing a short walk as a personal transformation.
Yet nature, for all her beauty, suffereth fools reluctantly.
Therefore were these commandments assembled: that the careless might become considerate, the noisy might lower their speakers and the unprepared might remember both sunscreen and toilet paper.
Lace thy boots. Fill thy bottle. Pack thy Happy Faced outdoor towel .
And go forth with reverence, snacks and enough humility to turn back when the weather becomes biblical.
The Commandments
Thou Shalt Anoint Thyself With Sunscreen
For the sun shineth upon the righteous and the ridiculous alike, and it careth not whether thy shoulders burn unevenly beneath a tank top.
Be not deceived by cloud cover, nor by the cooling breeze, nor by the confidence of the friend who saith, âI never burn.â
Apply thy sunscreen generously. Reapply it when the hour hath passed, the water hath been entered or thy skin beginneth to resemble discount rotisserie chicken.
And shouldst thou require protection forged for battle, seek Enemy Sunscreen , that thy flesh may endure the blazing firmament without becoming a cautionary tale.
Go forth, therefore, and glisten responsibly.
Thou Shalt Not Bear False Witness for Thy Weather App
Trust not entirely in the glowing rectangle, for weather apps speak with great confidence concerning events they have not personally witnessed.
When the forecast proclaimeth âseventy-two and sunny,â prepare also for wind, rain, hail, smoke and a sudden temperature drop at the precise moment thy socks become wet.
Pack the poncho. Carry the layer. Bring the towel. Guard the snacks from moisture and the moisture from the snacks.
For blessed is the wanderer who prepareth for Mordor and encountereth only mild cloud cover.
Remember the Sabbath and Keep It Wild
On the seventh day, fold not the laundry.
Answer not every message. Refresh not the feed. Seek not proof that another person hath also observed the sunset.
Go instead unto the coast, the desert, the forest or the neglected patch of grass beyond the parking lot.
Spread thy towel beneath the heavens. Hear the wind move through the trees. Remember what silence soundeth like before a Bluetooth speaker discovereth the campsite.
And the Mountain Beheld Thy Personal Brand and Was Not Moved.
The Book of Humility, Approximately 4:20
Honor Thy Flora and Thy Fauna
Take photographs if thou must. Leave footprints where footprints belong. Disturb not the nests, dens, flowers, stones or quietly decomposing things whose purpose thou dost not understand.
Approach not the bear for content, though the light be excellent and thy audience hungry.
Feed not the squirrel from thy hand and afterward complain that the squirrel hath become entitled.
The wilderness is not thy content farm. Its creatures signed no release and owe thee no engagement.
Thou Shalt Not Commit Glamp-Adultery
If thou bringeth Wi-Fi, linen napkins, climate control and a wine refrigerator into the forest, call it not camping.
It is brunch among insects.
Bring comfort, certainly, for suffering alone doth not make thee wise. Yet leave enough inconvenience that the trip still possesseth a story.
Embrace the dirt. Seek the cold creek. Sleep strangely. Awaken with one hip older than the other.
For the ground is hard, and this is part of the arrangement.
Thou Shalt Pack Out Thy Trash
What cometh with thee must depart with thee.
Leave not behind the wrapper of the granola bar, the can of beer, the broken sandal or the mysterious fragment of equipment no one remembers bringing.
Let no campsite bear witness to thy laziness.
For sacred ground remaineth sacred only when the departed do not leave behind a bag of warm garbage and three disposable forks.
Pack it in. Pack it out. And shouldst thou encounter the trash of another, gather it if thou art able, though thou mayest curse them quietly while doing so.
Thou Shalt Carry the Holy Outdoor Towel
And it was known throughout the hills, coastlines and desert flats that the towel was no mere cloth.
It was shelter from the ground, warmth against the evening, a changing curtain in times of exposure and a pillow when the proper pillow had rolled beneath another sleeper.
It dried the swimmer, comforted the weary and received the crusty feet of those who had misjudged the length of the trail.
Therefore choose not the heavy cotton relic that remaineth wet until Monday and smellest by Sunday like an animal shelter near the sea.
Carry instead a quick-drying Happy Faced towel , that it may pack small, serve many purposes and hang from the branch without bringing shame upon the campsite.
For every explorer deserveth a towel. Nay, requireth one.
Thou Shalt Make Offerings Unto the Gods of Repellent
For mosquitoes are winged demons, and they feast upon the sweet blood of the unprepared.
Repellent shall be thy shield. Long sleeves shall be thy armor. Citronella shall be thy incense, though its power hath often been overstated by those selling decorative candles.
Apply protection before the buzzing beginneth, not after thy ankles have become a collection of raised monuments.
And slap not wildly at every sound, lest thou strike thyself in the face and bring joy unto the whole campsite.
Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of Thy Trail in Vain
Speak not arrogantly of trails conquered, peaks defeated or rivers dominated.
The mountain is older than thy ego.
The river careth not for thy TikTok. The desert hath killed plants more resilient than thee and shall remain after thy sponsored reel is forgotten.
Walk therefore with humility. Yield unto others. Step aside for those traveling uphill. Announce thy presence before passing from behind.
Let courtesy be thy compass and self-importance remaineth in the vehicle.
Thou Shalt Seek the Summit but Worship the Journey
For the destination without the wandering is but a location.
Each wrong turn is a parable. Each blister is a testimony. Each bug bite is a small, itching reminder that thou art made of edible material.
Rest when needed. Drink water before desperation. Carry snacks beyond the amount thy pride considers necessary.
Laugh when the plan faileth. Cry if the hill requireth it. Turn back when wisdom speaketh louder than ego.
Then rise again and continue, for the trail careth not whether thy progress looked impressive.
Let None Covet Thy Neighborâs Towel, for There Is Dryness Enough for All.
The Book of Towels, Chapter VII
And It Came to Pass That the Seeker Understood
The wilderness was not conquered.
It was visited.
The summit was not possessed. The river was not defeated. The forest had not been improved by the arrival of a person with trekking poles and several protein bars.
The Seeker understood that the land required respect, the group required patience and the towel required enough time in the sun to dry before being shoved back into the bag.
Thus did the Happy Faced towel become a symbolânot only of dryness, but of doing things properly. Of caring for the land. Of looking after thy companions. Of refusing to leave the creek damp, defeated and wrapped in a motel towel from 1998.
âAs the rain falleth upon camper and glamper alike, so too shall every wanderer be granted a proper towel.â
Final Amen
Go forth now.
Climb the ridge. Wade the stream. Sleep beneath the stars. Whisper secrets unto the pine trees, though the pine trees have heard worse.
Carry water. Honor the trail. Pack out thy trash. Wear sunscreen even when the cloud cover seemeth persuasive.
And forget not thy towel, thy reverence or thy sense of humor.
Thus It Is Written. Thus It Shall Dry.